July 27, 2024
Today I understand why I was so angry that day. I discussed my father's affairs with my brother. My brother's understanding is different from mine. I have been resentful of my father for a long time. When I heard that others were still beautifying him and overestimating him, I got angry. My brother has never lived with his father since he was an adult, and he doesn’t know him well. In addition, he has been away in Germany for these years.
However, apart from that, I found that there are still great differences in many concepts between me and my brother, and the three views are very different.
Today I figured it out. My brother and I can't talk about issues involving three views, and we can't talk in depth, otherwise it will hurt our emotions.
The same goes for Zhang Fan, whose three views are not consistent, and deep conversations can also hurt emotions.
Quite sad.
Loneliness must be learned, otherwise your emotions and life will be scarred.
Is there any meaning in life, just waiting to die?
I looked in the mirror today and found that I have lost weight in just one month. I am depressed and thin. These are the thoughts that keep tormenting me over and over again, uncontrollably, over and over again, unbearably painful.
A few days ago, I saw a book in a cafe that told how a girl with severe depression fought against depression in a mental hospital. The author was the girl herself, narrating it in the first person. Seeing some of my resonance, this girl is not easy, she has suffered, she must be very young, I can feel the pain and torture she described. I rarely read things written by people who are much younger than me. This girl's writing is very special. It made me read page after page. I actually almost finished the whole book.
She has a pair of very good parents, as can be seen from the two sentences of description, she said, "My parents can't understand me either, but they try their best to feel my pain."
This alone moved me. I remembered that my mother had behaved similarly and tried her best to understand my troubles and pain at that time, even though it was difficult for her to empathize. I was depressed at the time, but I still felt that my mother wanted to solve the problems I encountered from the bottom of her heart. Her concern for me on a psychological level always moved me.
Looking back on my previous life, overall it was quite depressing and bitter. I didn't do what I should do, I didn't say what I should say, I couldn't tell the important things in my life from the secondary ones, the big things and the small things were reversed. If being upset can kill people, then I must have died dozens of times.
Looking at his father, he doesn't want to expect much success on his own.