I am almost 50. In the past six months, I have been feeling uneasy and very unhappy. It is said that in my current situation, I have relatively generous savings, I don’t have to work, and I have a very good passive income every month. As long as I don’t mess around (consume and invest randomly), I can live a free and happy life. However, I am very unhappy and even painful.
Now start to think about it carefully and slowly save yourself again.
There was a long period of time when I lived a very happy life, with a calm and comfortable mind. I could concentrate on everything I did, whether it was work, study, life, shopping for groceries or cooking. I kept my life organized and tasteful, and felt the beauty of life that I had not seen for a long time. That feeling was really comfortable and calm.
As long as someone close to me comes close to my life and interacts with me, this sense of comfort and calmness will slowly be broken, and my worries will begin to ferment, becoming more and more numerous, and may even lead to an emotional explosion and collapse, and even wanting to die (when I get along with my father).
My father’s life concepts and state are so terrible and hopeless that I have endless troubles and pain every time I stay in the same house with him. It makes me lose all interest in all the beautiful things in life. I feel like there is an invisible virus in him, which will be transmitted to me after being together for a long time. The infection will make me immersed in depression for a long time. Only he has this ability, which is very powerful and extremely lethal.
And now he can't stay away. His Alzheimer's disease is getting worse. In addition to basic life, he can barely take care of himself (his self-care is very poor). Without my inspection, everything else is chaotic and even dangerous. There are so many trivial details that I don't want to list them all, but just to name a few, as small as inexplicably activating various mobile phone packages, watching videos on the phone at home, and inexplicably turning off the mobile phone's WiFi. As a result, he incurred a thousand yuan traffic bill, and various automatic recurring deductions from Alipay (estimated) It’s a small group messaging program on WeChat, a fishing program, and he deducted more than 2,000 yuan last year, all of which are various online services that he will never use again). I saw him forget to turn off the faucet several times, and turn on the hot water. A big incident happened once when there was a fire in the kitchen. I put the electric cooking pot made of pp material on the gas stove. In order to cook an egg, I was not in the kitchen and got into trouble. It was not until the fire started that the pp material smelled strange and I ran to the kitchen to see it. I hurriedly put out the fire and splashed white melted pp material everywhere. After cooling, the white dots solidified on the stove and the faucet. It was difficult to clean. Anyone who sees that the kitchen is not on fire is considered a loser. He had used this electric cooking pot for many years. I couldn't understand how he could forget it. This happened in the afternoon and I was not at home when I was out. I didn't know about it until I got home in the evening. Now, except for the pure iron wok, the pots in the kitchen have not been burned (nor are they burned out). Several other cooking pots, small kettles for making coffee, snow pans, and small milk pots are all burned and blackened to the point where even a steel ball cannot clean them. Even after cleaning, they are all scratched and cannot be used.
Two days later, I asked him about it, but he actually forgot about it. I only remembered it after showing him the photos I took at that time.
When communicating with my brother, the topics and things cannot go around my father. My brother still has some straight male traits, and he is also a person with some flaws in his outlook on life (it has to do with the environment of our family where we grew up. I can understand this. There are many things that are not taught, and I am the same. It’s just that after many years of free time, I slowly realized it on my own. The reason is that he is very busy and has no time to think about other things. For some reason, he only took making money as his first pleasure before, but now it is a little better). His motivation for doing things is good, but sometimes his methods are pedantic. If there is a dispute, it will severely damage my mood and body and mind. Sometimes the subsequent chain reaction seriously affects me and destroys my already comfortable and balanced life.
My girlfriend and I are now like online friends. We live in two places for a long time. We meet twice a year for more than ten days each time. At other times, we communicate through online dating. People who study art are not only careful and patient, but the rest are rigid, slow, dull, and only belatedly aware. By the time they discover the problem, it will be several reincarnations too late. When I was in my thirties or forties, I was still unable to support myself, so I relied on my mother for financial support. Now she is doing bricklayer-like work in Hong Kong, barely getting out of the financial aid system and becoming financially independent. She graduated from the Guangzhou Academy of Fine Arts, likes oil painting and pastel painting, and now makes a living by painting walls. I teased her that she needs to change her way of making money. If she could write a book about her independent livelihood and her previous ridiculous entrepreneurial process, add some self-deprecation and humor, and bring some joy to everyone, the value will be revealed. Maybe it will become popular, and the annual royalties will be hundreds of thousands. It's ridicule on the surface, but despair behind it.
The quality of this partnership is terrible.
What do people live for? If you have a little understanding, you should be able to understand that life is meaningless. Then, the only thing left is to take care of yourself and put your own mood and feelings first. Other people and things are really not that important. Everyone has their own destiny. You can bless them, but don't interfere with good or bad ones. Don't.
The harm of long-term bad mood, bad mood will have a chain reaction, resulting in subsequent bad things, in all aspects, poor mood, unable to focus on one's own affairs, anxiety over time, inability to concentrate on anything, irritability, four months ago I fell while riding an electric bicycle (I will definitely not fall under normal circumstances, any mistake will happen if I am in a bad mood or irritable), and fell It was very heavy on the ground, and the soft tissue of the wrist with my left hand on the ground was injured. It was very serious. It was difficult to put on clothes. The pain made me grit my teeth. It is not completely healed yet. It affects my daily life and daily exercise. I am often used to doing pull-ups. The key is that this will in turn continue to affect my mood. These effects on my mood are uncontrollable. Needless to say, everyone understands.
Long-term bad mood will lead to more troublesome diseases, so you must find a way to get rid of it.
I hope to truly understand and digest these insights before I am 50 years old. Although it is much late and I have wasted a lot of good time and never looked back, it is better than not understanding it yet.
The only thing I am ashamed of in this life is my mother. If there is reincarnation, I hope I can have a chance to make amends and have the fate of continuing to be mother and son. If I can turn back time by spending money, I am willing to use half of my savings to exchange for her to come back. The other half will be filial to her, make her good food, live in a clean, beautiful and comfortable home, take good care of her, and take her to travel around the world. As for my father, I will never have anything to do with him in my life.